Although dawat is intended to be celebratory, many Pakistanis don’t want to admit it. Hindi and Urdu translate away to “feast.” To me, this is hosting in the fussiest way possible.
Many Pakistani hosts are women who know how to make dawat. For groups of 12 or more, they prepare elaborate meals. You might assume that they are easy because of the variety of dishes at the table. They aren’t. Each recipe needs to be done with care and precision. The timing of pulao and biryani must be precise so that every grain of rice is intact. Cutlets, such as shame patties or fried potatoes, must be uniform in form, texture, taste, and appearance. The four-ingredient chutney must have the right amount of flavour, not too sweet or too tart.
My family comprises casually dressed women, so I don’t worry too much about these details. My mother followed the basic Pakistani rules of hosting a dinner, even though the dawat was not as elaborate as others. First, let’s talk about the main meal categories. This includes rice dishes, meat curry, roti or napa, a type of vegetable, a relish, and dessert. Aside from the variety and type of dishes, ensuring that this spread is balanced in texture is important. For example, if you have a vegetarian pulao to eat, you should serve korma (a richly spiced meat curried) to go with it. To complete the meal, make sure to serve either green or black tea, depending on your guests’ preferences. My mother created a creative and simple menu, allowing her guests to choose the look of their plates.
My parents’ hostess instinct was something I brought with me when I moved to the U.S. My only way to make friends was by saying, “Come over for dinner!” It may have implied my ability to cook confidently. What I lacked was finesse. I made up in enthusiasm. My friends were generous and kind. I didn’t feel pressured to follow any rules regarding hosting other than to make people feel comfortable and to ensure that there was enough alcohol–no matter the quality.
My husband and I moved to Southeast Asia to be closer to our intergenerational friends. I was suddenly faced with the question What is an adult dinner party? I was immediately drawn back to the traditional “rules” of hosting a Pakistani away. I had several minor breakdowns when I tried to host a dinner the “Pakistani” way my first time. It didn’t matter how early we began prepping; there would always be something wrong. The rice became mushy, the chicken was rubbery, and the dessert crumbled. My husband suggested that we order takeout the next time. Even though we did our best, guests didn’t want to eat more than one meal. Perhaps the conversation was stifled, and the guests didn’t want to linger after the dessert (which is my favourite part of the evening).
I had to reevaluate my approach after the stress of hosting. There was wisdom in traditional dawat rules. But what was lacking was flow and warmth. This allowed for a slower-paced meal with great people and great conversation.
From that point, I started to work backwards. I would bring the right people to create a group atmosphere and ensure that everyone is comfortable. I paid more attention to my guests’ needs and their dietary preferences. This allowed me to concentrate on creating a cohesive meal plan. I stopped worrying about whether each guest was eating the same dish. I stopped making homemade desserts and started to serve cheese and chopped fruit. With my mother’s cooking and my food inspirations, Samin Nosrat and Diana Henry, I tempered the richness of menus to allow for more textures and brighter flavours. Borani banyan is an Afghan dish consisting of fried eggplant with tomato, onion and sour cream. It’s served with potatoes and nutty saffron rice. If I get too excited about the menu, I’ll grab some bubbly and a few quiches and invite people to brunch.
There are times when I’ll go back to the Pakistani Dawat rules, but with some modifications. A rice dish is likely to be prawn biryani with lots of cilantro and a cooling cucumber-raita. Roast chicken thighs can also be prepared in a yoghurt marinade or smoky broiled beef kebobs. The meal will be completed with a green salad and curried greens. There will be plenty of red wines, good cheese, and chopped fruits instead of tea or dessert. There are many nights when there is plenty of time for leisurely eating and lots of laughter.
